sunday afternoon.

sometimes, i feel like i have really messed things up.
i can never predict what's going to happen next..

but a weekend like this, tends to make everything feel alright again.

wednesday morning.

i'm thinking back to when we were young
and eating donuts
with a set of plastic vampire teeth
that we were passing back and fourth.
we weren't so young as to
think a dog was a horse.
nor were we old enough yet to name
the cold purpose of musical chairs.
we were like-minded spirits
ekeing out a rhythm
whispering transmissions
through wet winter mittens.
growing up on toboggan hill
nothing was material.

i'm thinking back to when we were young
if only to find out
forensically
what it was
we used to
want.

my parents told me i could have a little bird.
they told me to behave & if i did they would bring one home.
& i would put it in a beautiful gold cage lined on the bottom with yesterday's newspapers,
always yesterdays,
'cause i would change them everyday.

already there was a little bird i wanted,
small & brown, he sat outside the kitchen window sometimes.
he didn't sing, not noisy & brightly coloured.
i loved him.
if you broke up your sandwich crusts & left them on the sill he would always come for them.

i wouldn't lock you up small & brown! i would let you fly around our house
& bring you sandwich crusts, always.
but you would remember me, you would!

you would fly right down next to my eye
& give me a stare so strong that i would just know right away how much you loved me.

he would have been such a perfect bird & i was sure to be on my best behaviour always.
i even forgot about biting my fingernails.
but they brought home a different bird.
it was yellow & had a funny name.

they told me small & brown birds were only for looking at.
i started eating my sandwich crusts again.
this bird made too much noise & i hated it.


i want this one.

life.

i try my best.

i'd like to get off this train, but the ticket inspector won't let me rush through.
i might just run, but i really don't have the funds to pay a fine.

but, i said i would let you try to explain it all again..
birds can only fly so high.

it may seem like a stretch, but i hope i could guide you home.
you've gotten so far away.

home again.

thank god for long weekends!
thank god for great friends.

so last night i was a fucking mess, but like not in the drunk delicious way.
i'll be home soon, & everything will be amazing!


happy birthday jess!

pre-dawn light

sometimes i'm afraid you will read this, and use everything in here against me.
i don't know if yr a true friend, or not. i'd certainly like to believe the best! but from some of yr actions, and from some of the things i've heard you say.. let's just say it doesn't look promising.

also, i'd like to know why i've been such an emotional wreck lately. seriously, what the fuck. i feel so defeated all the time. it doesn't matter that i just finished my hair course with a 92%, and my fashion with an 88%. something of course will go wrong..

& i haven't been able to go to the hospital yet. i just can't bring myself to do it. i don't want to see my aunt laying there, tumors infesting her body. she's one of the last real connections i have to my grandmother. i hated seeing my grandmother on her death bed, one of my worst memories. i refuse it to be the last of my aunt as well.

i wrote you an email explaining my situation right now, how come you didn't respond?

hands don't fail me now.

i wish things could be less complicated. i want this to be over.
and when the hunger returns, hopefully i'll be able to keep my head held high.

i don't think you realize your actions, nor how they effect anyone else but you.
i've spent the better part of my teenage years being afraid,
stuck inside a heavy shell.
my insides have been broken.

but i'm moving forward. there is a universe that i've neglected thanks to you.
and i hope that weighs heavy on you.

i did not know it would be like this, but i guess some things are better off left alone.

skin on skin.

stoked

so today i got asked to do makeup at this runway show for the international academy of design.
i kind of have to represent my school.


i hope i can pull this one off..

dead, and gone.

when i first got this blog, i totally promised myself that i would post every single day..
clearly, i fucking failed large.

but life, it's been okay.

just okay, you ask.. it's basically because i'm in this huge city, trying to live my life, trying to better myself, my life, & you come crawling back. you like to call me the girl, but i'm pretty sure the girl is just code for any girl that'll let you in. & yeah i'm going to rant about this through my blog, because well, i'll never actually say any of this to your face.

i want to scream, and yell, and thrash around because you make me so angry. it's been a while now, & just because you've heard that i'm not looking back anymore does not give you the right to come back and turn my life upside down all over again. you gave up that right when you broke my heart the last * times.

i don't know why you have this hold on me, there are clearly other men who would be so much better for me. men who aren't on away, and men who aren't pure scum, but that's just not what i'm into. i like them rough, jaded, and for the better part kind of insane. & just in case you didn't know, you fit that mold perfectly.

i just need to be around my girls, and talk about spice girls, and david hasslehoff, and drink my face off, and for certain dance till my feet are numb. & just in case they didn't know, they are the best friends any girl could ever ask for!





* subject to change

lump sum

i am going to miss this. my waking up at my mom's house, walking into the kitchen & having breakfast waiting on the table for me... how could i not miss that?!

my mom is seriously one of the greatest people ever. yesterday she took me to the mall to get 'back-to-school essentials', that consisted of chanel perfume, a digital camera, groceries, and clothing. i think she just misses having someone around to take care of all the time.

so, tomorrow is the first day in awhile i will have a consistant schedual. i don't know if i'll be bale to get drunk as hell every stinking night, and be able to get up at six am for school. i've already started thinking of believable reasons to tell my professors for missing class. i mean, i have so many fun things coming up, & it is just unacceptable for me to miss them!

p.s. jess you missed out last night. you should've heard some of the things coming out of our mouths!

please don't,

just don't.

it was all a dream

It was all a dream

I used to read word up magazine

Salt n pepa and heavy d up in the limousine

Hangin pictures on my wall

Every saturday rap attack, mr. magic, marley marl

I let my tape rock til my tape popped

Smokin weed and bamboo, sippin on private stock

Way back, when I had the red and black lumberjack

With the hat to match

Remember rappin duke, duh-ha, duh-ha

You never thought that hip hop would take it this far

Now Im in the limelight cause I rhyme tight

Time to get paid, blow up like the world trade

Born sinner, the opposite of a winner

Remember when I used to eat sardines for dinner

Peace to ron g, brucey b, kid capri

Funkmaster flex, lovebug starsky

Im blowin up like you thought I would

Call the crib, same number same hood

Its all good

Uh, and if you dont know, now you know, nigga, uh

You know very well who you are

Dont let em hold you down, reach for the stars

You had a go, but not that many

cause youre the only one Ill give you good and plenty

all the commotion

& it's cold, & it's cold, as we walk from room to room. soon enough we will come to realise that not a single thing we can do will make an iota of sense. not in our situation at least.

button up so you don't catch cold.

i would like to take you away, take you away from this place. take you to where the cattle graze, & i don't know my name.

let's forget, let's just forget.

sparkled with broken glass

i'm back with scars to show, back with a vengence.
i've been telling myself that i'm not going to let you happen again. for the past three years.
you keep saying i really have a hold on you,
but what does that even mean?

i'm waiting in 4/4 time,
waiting for something that doesn't really mean anything.

now the season has changed, & things look different this time around
but remember, you gave up on me. well before i gave up on you.
well, we're just not the same as we used to be.
plain, & simple.